mom, will you forgive me if i run away?

"Rather than love, than money, than faith, than fame, than fairness... give me truth."

Henry David Thoreau


".....mom,
will you forgive me
if i run away?"

Because i have all the reason to do so.
if you see this world, the way i see it, it all just doesn't make sense anymore.

it is not a new thing to me, to be disappointed, in life. just like you do too. it becomes my habit to feel sore every morning breaks. and wish i could go back to bed. because almost everything i see after i wake up seems doesn't make any sense to me.

you should see last night, there's a long queue in front of a branded store. people buying wrinkle and dirty clothes just because they were branded and on sale. but the price was still pricey, for me, and that doesn't make any sense to me. how they acted like its cheap and how easily they put out their money. and, mom, i was there on the queue. until i realize, what the hell am i doing.

you should see last night, what food that i put into my mouth. you know i have a great interest in food. but lately, food doesn't make me feel happy anymore. it feels like drinking oil. even how plentiful i drink it, i still feel the thirst. yet, i eat like an african hunger child.

you should see me this morning, when i was the only one whose giving a pregnant woman my chair. when there's a lot strong looking guy sitting peacefully and closed their eyes so they didn't see.

you should see this morning, there's a mid aged women standing in the street, in the rain, hoping for some car to pick her up. i know it's her job, become a "joki" but it doesn't make any sense how she just stand there in the rain with her baby with no umbrella, to get earnings.

you should see me this morning get honked by a luxury car. i bet the driver never know how it felt to walk in the street with no sideways. in the rain. in a city where everyone need to rush and inconsiderate of other people.

you should read the news, they say the government planing to build more facility for them when all their pupil living in a troubled times like this. poverty, hunger, traffic, uneven-handed regulation here and there, and all. when underpaid worker jostle in those big bus with their face glowing from sweat.

you should see the international news where's theres hatred everywhere, wars, hunger, more hunger, and more poverty. it doesn't make any sense, because when you click the other channel you can see how those prosperous people spending their money for many unnecessary matter.

you should know that what my lecturer and teacher said seems untrue. what i learn in school is total false. do you know that my teacher used to say that if i'm smart, my brain would get me anywhere. my lecturer said that if i'm diligent the world is my oyster. let see now, i think they never live outside those education buildings.

you should know that i do have a happy childhood. but you are the person who know the most about my drawback in a traditional concept of marriage. and it's not happening only in our home, its happening everywhere. it makes love doesn't make any sense either.

you should know that the only reason i didn't run away is you. though we have had an arduous relationship and how i know that im not the daughter you wish you have. but it is you, the only one that making me stay. maybe it is love. maybe it is burden. maybe it is both. im so sorry that becaouse you love me i become your burden. but that's how love works, right? love carried burden. and that makes love doesn't make sense in many way.

and yet, i could not tell this straight to you. because i knew already what your answer will be. you'll say that i have to take my time to find god. but mom, if god as mighty as you always said it is, why wouldn't god be the one who find me instead?




*and you should see this morning i cried in the sideways.
just because i feel sad. just because of that.