August the 13th

here, you see me, faking it.

1.

So, here’s the thing. When you’re the bad guy, you supposed to not have feelings. You shouldn’t cry. You can’t shiver. You can’t be human. And you shall not have anyone to support you. When you’re the antagonist of the story, you have to be strong, on your own, because there’s going to be no one rooting for you.

Reasons? Doesn’t matter.

Background? Doesn’t matter.

Guilt? Doesn’t matter.

Everything inside you, everything you are or ever were, become irrelevant. Why? Because, being bad makes you don’t matter anymore.

2.

I will not argue over excuses.

I have none.

3.

People really love to gang up on me.

I’m just one tiny little human.

Why never telling me in person?

Ah, never mind. I don’t matter.

4.

It’s getting harder and harder, not to jump.

The balcony and the river are just two steps away and no body to stop me.

But why am I still here, writing this?

Am I being a coward or being brave?

5.

I clean my room this morning, with shivering limbs.

“What am I doing?” I ask myself.

Do you want to know why I always keep my room clean and neat?

Because. Everything else in my life is a fucking mess.

6. *insert present tense by Radiohead*

As my come world crashing down

I will be dancing

Freaking out

Deaf, dumb, and blind.

In you I’m lost.

7.

In my head, I’ve killed myself a thousand times.

It scared me.

There. I said it.

8.

The thing is, I have no hate towards anyone.

I don’t blame anyone.

Except for myself.

9.

The only proper thing for me to have now maybe is the walk of atonement.

The thing is, without it, I already feel the shame.

10.

Why can’t I be normal?

I should want what other people want, what other people chase after.

Why am I like this?

Forever chasing something that I believe is, love.

11.

I’m too sad to hate, to holding a grudge, to be angry, or to find explanation.

Can’t you see? My heart broke into pieces too.

I’m even too sad to move.

12.

And I will smile, believe me, I will smile.

You will never see me cry. I’ve been doing this forever. I don’t need an audience, or any backups. See, I’ve been doing this forever, on my own.

I will be just fine. And you, you will find a way to be okay too.

And we’ll see where life will take us now.

13. *insert true love waits by Radiohead*

But please,

Don’t leave.

Am I not worthy to be happy?